Santa Claus has been banned from the South Pole Marathon after testing positive for a banned substance. race director and real estate mogul Penguin Cornelius, brother to Santa's close friend Yukon Cornelius, claims Santa tested positive for banned amphetamines and sites Santa's drastic weight loss as additional evidence.
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| Before Positive Drug Test |
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After Positive Drug Test
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Santa's lawyer, Jack Frost, denies the charges, claiming Penguin Cornelius is still upset about Santa's choice to choose the North Pole over the South Pole as his base of operation, a choice that cost Penguin billions of dollars in lost property value. When asked about the drug test, Frost claims an over-the-counter stimulant caused the positive drug test. "Santa's under a lot of stress," says Frost. "He's downing a case of Red Bull nightly in order to see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. Last time I checked, Red Bull was not on the International Track and Field's banned substance list!"
Penguin Cornelius concedes that Red Bull is not on the banned list, but speed, cocaine, ephedrine, and crystal meth, all which showed up in large amounts in Santa's blood, are. Cornelius adds, "There have also been damning photos of Santa commiserating with the Devil. This is not the kind of publicity the South Pole Marathon needs."
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| Santa's relationship with this man has rumors of devil worship swirling throughout the running community. |
Santa's team of lawyers plan to appeal the decision as soon as all gifts have been distributed on Christmas Eve, none of which, incidentally, will be finding their way into Penguin Cornelius's stocking.
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