Monday, December 24, 2012

Breaking News: Santa Banned from South Pole Marathon

Santa Claus has been banned from the South Pole Marathon after testing positive for a banned substance.  race director and real estate mogul Penguin Cornelius, brother to Santa's close friend Yukon Cornelius, claims Santa tested positive for banned amphetamines and sites Santa's drastic weight loss as additional evidence.

Before Positive Drug Test
After Positive Drug Test

Santa's lawyer, Jack Frost, denies the charges, claiming Penguin Cornelius is still upset about Santa's choice to choose the North Pole over the South Pole as his base of operation, a choice that cost Penguin billions of dollars in lost property value.  When asked about the drug test, Frost claims an over-the-counter stimulant caused the positive drug test.  "Santa's under a lot of stress," says Frost.  "He's downing a case of Red Bull nightly in order to see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake.  Last time I checked, Red Bull was not on the International Track and Field's banned substance list!"

Penguin Cornelius concedes that Red Bull is not on the banned list, but speed, cocaine, ephedrine, and crystal meth, all which showed up in large amounts in Santa's blood, are.  Cornelius adds, "There have also been damning photos of Santa commiserating with the Devil.  This is not the kind of publicity the South Pole Marathon needs."

Santa's relationship with this man has rumors of devil worship swirling throughout the running community.
Santa's team of lawyers plan to appeal the decision as soon as all gifts have been distributed on Christmas Eve, none of which, incidentally, will be finding their way into Penguin Cornelius's stocking.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Monday, December 10, 2012

12 Days of Fitmas Update

The 12 Days of Fitmas have been quite the success. Here's a recap.

Day 1: One new workout video. I tried the P90X 2 P.A.P. upper body workout. After the first exercise, I thought about calling it quits and making the first day of fitmas one exercise. That would have defeated the purpose of this incredibly clever gimmick, so I stuck it out.

Day 2: I skipped two meals. This didn't really have anything to do with fitness. It was a monthly religious observance. If you'd like to no more about the law of the fast, go to

Day 3: I denied myself a Snickers bar three times. The original plan was to do 3 sets of achilles heel exercises, which I did. At the end of the day, however, it was the 3 Snickers denials that had the larger fitness benefit. And no, there wasn't a fourth temptation. I fled the Snickers faster than Joseph fled Potiphar's wife.

Day 4: I did the X2 P.A.P. upper workout, which just happens to include 4 sets of 4 different exercises followed by another set of 4 exercises done four times. I highly recommend P90X 2, especially if you enjoy humiliating yourself in the living room as your kids stand in awe of Tony Horton's incredible physique.

Day 5: I ran five miles. It was the first time I'd run in nearly two weeks.

Day 6: I did six pushups every minute for 1/2 hour. Not a bad way to spend my lunch break and it's something you can do in a pair of dress pants and a button up shirt.

Day 7: I did an extra seven seconds on my final plank of the day. It doesn't sound like much but considering the amount of discomfort my abdominals were experiencing, it was a lot.

Day 8: I ran eight miles. Not the most creative use of day 8 but effective.

Day 9: I woke up at 7:09 and ate about 99 pieces of candy and other assorted junk foods. Not exactly what I had in mind for my fitmas gimmick.

Day 10. Blasted out 10 power jumps at the end of a seven-mile run. It would have been a lot easier to just run 7.10 miles instead. I'll remember that tomorrow.

Only 14 days left. Let me know how your 12 Days of Fitmas are going.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

The 12 days of Fitmas (x2)

It's the holidays and that means it's time for a gimmick; otherwise, I'll be waddling through the holidays at around 380 lbs. Unfortunately the not-weighing-380-lbs-dying-of-Type 2 Diabetes-at-47-and-contracting-heart-disease gimmick never seems to work (for me or millions of Americans).

So I'm going with the 12 Days of Fitmas (x2) gimmick. It started today and runs to about 4:00 P.M. on Christmas Eve. On day 13 I'll start over at one. The program is simple. For each "day of Christmas" I'll do something fitnessy for that day matching the number.

For example

  1. Day 1 - Do one new workout video.
  2. Day 2 - Eat two servings of vegetables before lunch.
  3. Day 3 - Run three extra miles.
  4. Day 4 - Do four extra pushups on each round of exercises.
  5. Day 5 - Add five pounds to each exercise.
  6. Day 6 - Add six minutes to evening run.
I think you get the point. You don't really have to plan it out in advance. Figure it out as you go along. The key is to have fitness in the front of your mind instead of having it crowded out by egg nog and candy.

Share some of your 12 Days of Fitmas ideas or share what you do to stay in shape over the holidays in the comments section.