How to Return from Injury

Runners coming back from an injury, in addition to physical obstacles, face mental obstacles.  The first post-injury run presents two mental pitfalls: (1) The "wow, I really feel rested so I'm going to tear this up" feeling that could lead to too much too soon; (2) The "I'm so out of shape after taking a month off that I'll never be ready for that race" feeling that leads to depression when one should actually feel good.

I've got a solution.

1. Run on a treadmill. Don't pick just any treadmill. Find the one with the ratty belt that makes annoying noises.  Because running on a treadmill is tedious under normal circumstances, you'll be sure not to overdo it by running too far.
2. Watch annoying TV. Pick the treadmill with a direct view of something that you would never watch under normal circumstances. Make sure it annoys you. If you're a Yankees fan, watch highlights from the 2004 ALCS. If you're a liberal, watch Fox News.  If you're a conservative, watch MSNBC or CNN. It's that easy.
3. Eat crap all day.  Not literal crap, crappy foods.  Jalapeno bagels will do the trick every time.
4. Exercise before you exercise.  That way you won't feel obligated to continue running to stay in shape.

I applied these rules last Friday with amazing success. I started the workout by riding the stationary bike. I then searched for a treadmill. I found one with a loose belt next to a guy singing Barry Manilow and right in front of a TV showing CNN's political "experts" denouncing the Republican presidential candidates because Rush Limbaugh called some law student a slut because she has so much sex she needs help from the government to subsidize it. Haven't these guys said enough stupid things on their own without having to blame them for something a radio entertainer said?  I digress.

I started the treadmill run slow because I was afraid of potential pain. Because of the deteriorating state of the treadmill, I convinced myself it was for safety purposes. I started to pick up the pace, but every time I started to let loose, my esophagus burned with the aftertaste of jalapenos. I had to slow down. Although I had the energy to run five or six mile, I stopped after 1.6 miles and sat down next to the Fox News report that President Obama is Shirley McClain's ex-lover and the reincarnation of Abdul Nassar.

The strategy worked to perfection. I didn't run too far. I didn't run too fast.  I didn't feel bad about running too slow. I learned that Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich hate women... and babies. 

By the way, Barry Manilow rocks the treadmill.

+++++

Training update (as if you care): I followed up the Friday treadmill run with a Saturday 10-k at a sub 8-minute mile pace and a Monday five-miler.  On Thursday I had to cut my run short due to calf soreness. I will not employ my recovery strategy on Saturday. It's my 11-year wedding anniversary and I want to run a mile for each year I've been married. If the run goes half as well as my marriage has, I'll knock the eleven out in about 45 minutes.  Otherwise, it will take about an hour-and-a-half.

The Best Things About Being Injured

The two people who follow this blog, I'm sure, are dying to know how my training is going. It's not. I'm approaching a return to training next Monday. I could probably run tomorrow, but the last thing I need is to miss another two weeks with a butt cheek injury. In the meantime, let's look on the bright side by examining the best things about being injured.

1. More food. I can't run so that means I can eat whatever I want. Right? 
2. More sleep. There's really no need to get up at 5:00 A.M. anymore.
3. No runner's cough. Anyone who's experienced unlimited coughing for up to 38 days after a run understands my disdain for runner's cough and the associative snot rocket/phlegm battle that follows.
4. No runner's guilt. It takes some serious nerve to abandon the family for two hours on a Saturday morning to get in a long run. Now I simply annoy them for two additional hours and they can't wait to get rid of me.
5. Fewer aches and pains. This is especially true if the injury only hurts when you're actually running. Not only is the injury healing, all the other aches and pains you've been in denial about for the past three months are going away too.
6. More time to write blog posts. Of course, you've really nothing to write since you can't run, but you could write some fluff columns about injuries, I suppose.

The problem with all this, of course, is you forget how much running improves your life.

Miracle Cures for Running Injuries: Plantar Fasciitis

I was blessed with an delightful case of Plantar Fasciitis last summer.  Here's how I took care of it.

How it Feels - It's like having bruises on your feet, especially on your heel.  Once it progresses, it feels like you're stepping on glass.

The Reaction - You will notice your feet are a little more sore than usual.  You'll want to put on shoes soon after waking up.  After a few days you'll be in denial that you have an injury; after all, you think, it goes away a few minutes into a run, even if my feet are really painful once I cool down.  Eventually you'll admit you have a problem and seek help.

Doing Nothing? Don't be stupid.  The longer you ignore Plantar Fasciitis the higher your odds are of having it for like six years.  Very few people really fully get rid of PF once they get it.  This is not an injury to play around with.  I repeat: Don't mess around with PF.

Standard Treatment.  Rest, Ice multiple times per day, stretch your calves multiple times per day.  This will help you run through minor cases of PF.

Miracle Cure #1.  Once you start feeling the heel glass on a regular basis, it's time to see the podiatrist.  You should have one objective in mind when you walk into his office: a cortisone shot.  They're like magic.  You'll be back full blast within a week.  Continue to stretch and ice just in case.  If the doctor does not recommend a cortisone shot, ask for one.  He may try to set up multiple appointments which will give him multiple opportunities to take your money.  He may recommend orthotics.  Play along.  Just make sure you get the cortisone shot.  If he refuses to give you one, find a doctor who will.

Miracle Cure #2.  Get a wooden foot massage roller thing.  Roll your foot over it when your brushing your teeth.  The pain will go away almost immediately.  Don't forget to continue stretching and icing.

Miracle Cure #2

Miracle Cure #3.  Do some barefoot workouts.  This flies against conventional wisdom.  I don't care.  It works.  I started doing Insanity workouts barefoot and on a mat.  I had no problems.  No, I'm not a minimalist runner.

Miracle Cure for Running Injuries: Necessary Supplies

If you're 42 or prone to injury, have the following items on hand.

1. Ice Packs.  The original list left off the most important item in any injured runners freezer: ice packs.  Thanks to my buddy over at And So it Burns for reminding me.  Not only should you have ice packs at home, you should have ice bottles.  You should have some at work.  You should have a portable freezer in your car.  You may need to move to Alaska and put ice packs on every dog sled stop in the state.
2. Ibuprofen.  Technically Ibuprofen isn't a cure for the injury.  It's a cure for pain.  And what a cure it is.  Every runner should have a gigantic bucket of ibuprofen at home, at work, and any other place he or she frequents.  Not only does it relieve the pain, it's an anti-inflammatory.  I'm not sure what that means, but every blog I read says anti-inflammatories are good for you.
3. Foam Roller.  Why are you being so stubborn?  Just get the foam roller.  It's like getting a free massage.  No, I'm not talking about a famous Las Vegas cross-gender massage, although the shape of the foam roller may give you a similar pleasure, if used for that purpose.
4. Foot Massager Roller Thing.  One minute at night and one minute in the morning will have your feet feeling like the feet of someone who doesn't run a thousand miles a year
5. Cough Syrup.  Running makes some people cough.  Cough syrup doesn't help, but if you get the right kind, it won't matter.

By the way, I'm not a doctor.  Your doctor's not a runner.  Join the two together and you have miracle cures or a complete idiot.  Not sure which.

Miracle Cures for Running Injuries: Introductory Rant

I am a runner.  There's a good chance you are a runner. I don't define my existence by running. I am other things too--a father, a Christian, a teacher, a UNLV fan. If I were hit by a truck and no longer able to run, I would be upset, but it would not define me.

Many people are not runners, mostly by choice. Some just don't like it. I understand. This rant is not addressed to the haters. It's addressed to the excuse makers. You know what I'm talking about: the "I don't run because it's bad for your knees crowd." Being 800 pounds, by the way, is bad for your knees too. This rant is addressed to the "Running is bad for you" crowd. That triple cheeseburger you just ate, by the way, is bad for you. There are many other crowds who say similar things.  This rant is directed towards you.

Dear "You shouldn't run because....." crowd,

You are a loser. You're fat. You have accomplished nothing in your life, so you try to bring others down. You're insecure. You see me accomplishing goals once thought impossible. You tried to make fun of me the first time I ran 10 miles. You tried to discourage me from running a Marathon.  Go to hell. Kiss my ass.* Look at me. I'm 42. I'm healthy. I'm active. I'm pretty darn good-looking, all things considered. I get tired after a 12-mile run on hills. You get tired walking up stairs. Being out of shape doesn't make you a loser. Resenting those who are in shape does.

Sure, we runners have our share of injuries. I injured my ass this morning. I've had a strained soleus or two. Plantar fasciitis? Had it. Shin splints? Check. I'm not alone. I'm sure most runners have suffered or are suffering dull aches and pains on a regular basis. We don't mind. It's the price we pay for doing something we love and doing something that keeps are entire selves healthy. Deal with it. This doesn't mean running is bad for your knees or your ankles or your ass cheek; it just means we participate in an activity where such things are common. You wouldn't criticize football players because football is bad for your brain, would you? You wouldn't criticize basketball players because basketball is bad for your ankles, would you? Tennis players for their elbows? Soccer players for their shins? Swimmers for their ears?  Of course not. So leave us the hell alone.

Love,

Running from Mediocrity

P.S. This is the introductory rant to my miracle cure for common running injuries. I've had a few. My wife's had a few dozen. Some things work. Some things don't. We'll pass on our experiences and hope they help.

By the way, I'm not a doctor. Your doctor's not a runner. Combine the two of us and you have a wealth of knowledge or a complete idiot. You make the call.

*I prefer not to swear in my blog, but "ass" just felt right today. Apologies to the four readers I get annually.

How to Cope with Running Injuries

Most runners have to deal with injuries.  Use these suggestions to make the most of your down time.

1. Complain a lot.  People are dying to hear about your sore groin, aching knee, sore quadriceps and strained soleus.  
2. Feel sorry for yourself.  Make yourself a victim.  Talk about how the world is unfair and how you'd be an Olympian if it weren't for all your bad luck.
3. Sit a lot.  Don't do any exercise.  Cross training is for sissies.  Either you run your hardest at all times or you sit on the couch.
4. Eat.  Since you're not exercising, you might as well eat unhealthy foods, all the time.  Look at recovery time as an opportunity to indulge.  You'll soon start looking forward to running injuries.
5. Try to injure others.  You can't run.  Why should they be able to?
6. Blog.  This will allow you to complain a lot, talk about how the world is unfair, sit down, eat, and give poor advice so others injure themselves.

You'll learn to love getting hurt when you follow these suggestions.

Other than pulling a calf muscle and having to limp the last two miles, not being able to run again for another month, and severely diminishing what slim hopes I had for qualifying for Boston at the Utah Valley Marathon in June, it was an excellent start to my marathon training.

After the Showdown at Sundown Intermediate Triathlon in March, I spent from April until now getting in the best shape of my life.  3.85 miles into my first serious marathon training run I pulled everyone's favorite calf muscle, the soleus.

I am in good shape though.  I specifically chose a difficult six-mile run, the one I used to train for the triathlon and for Ragnar.  If I would have been able to continue--it was 2.1 miles downhill from the highest point of the run when I had to stop--I would have finished in about 50 minutes, not even close to qualifying standards, but about six minutes faster than my fastest time ever on that run.  Not bad.

I never felt tired.  When I stopped I wasn't really even breathing hard.  Not sure what to do from here.  I guess swimming and biking are an option, but what I really need to do is log some miles.