Calling Me a Runner Was a Bit of a Stretch

I have entered races in the past. See if you notice a pattern (I’m going from memory).

• 4th of July 5-k blast in Las Vegas: More people finished ahead of me than behind me, including a blind guy, a six-year old and a pelican.
• 10-mile Koloa Sugar Mill Run in Kauai, Hawaii:  A great way to ruin your dream vacation.  I'm not sure anyone finished behind me.  The halfway point was the low point of my life.
• Rock to Pier Run 2009 (6.1 miles) in Morro Bay, California: More people finished ahead of me than behind me, including a school of dolphins who leaped out of the water and onto the beach in order to mock me.

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  Make sure the chain's on your bike before you start the race

  Lake Las Vegas Sprint Triathlon 2008: A lot more people finished ahead of me than behind me, including the 74 people who swim slower than me and a few carp who, although slow runners, are fast bikers.
• New Year’s Day five-mile run in Las Vegas, 2007: I got passed by several men in their 70s. With about a half-mile left, another 70-year-old tried to pass me, but I outkicked him at the finish…and pulled a calf muscle.
• Rock to Pier Family Reunion Run in Morro Bay: My brother-in-law Parry destroyed me…so did several other brothers-in-law, a couple nephews, my wife, and an amputee octogenarian.

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  I passed out right before this picture was taken  after getting harpooned.

  Showdown at Sundown Olympic-Distance Triathlon, Las Vegas, 2010: just under 3:30; 92 people finished before me; 13 finished behind me; 3 didn’t finish.
  
  

I already know I can finish things, but I’m done with being a back-of-the-packer.

There is an exception to my back-of-the pack racing career. I did win the 2008 Grand Phelasco Sprint Triathlon in Boulder City, Nevada. There were three participants: me, my wife and my wife’s friend Laura. Although my wife can bike and run faster than me, I swim much faster. A simple manipulation of the course—instead of a 500 meter swim, it was 1000 meters—and I had a large enough lead coming out of the water to hold her off. I was runner up the next two years.

Although my endurance increased during the 15 years of running, I kept getting slower and slower and slower. 

10-mile Koloa Sugar Mill Run in Kauai--I'm totally destroying that lady behind me!